The Nature of Kindness
by El Juno
Summary: Ken muses after finding something out about Daisuke. Kensuke/Daiken, Daikeru, suicidal thoughts. Ya spoiled enough, yet? Also, El Juno's Random Fic Contest.


Another one of my stupid POV pieces. Not a Cure song, this time, though. This one comes from "Something I Can Never Have" by Nine Inch Nails. The lyrics aren't appearing here because I'm all lazy and stuff.  
  
By the way, I know that I switch back and forth between using the name TK and using Takeru. I finished this at midnight, and I had used both. Consider it a style thing, or something, and see previous comment about being all lazy and stuff.  
  
Ken's POV.  
  
*****  
  
Daisuke and Takeru.  
  
Takeru and Daisuke.  
  
How could this happen?  
  
How could he end up with TK?  
  
Doesn't he know that I need him?  
  
Doesn't he know that I...I...  
  
Oh, damn.  
  
He eases my pain whenever he's with me.  
  
He forgave me when I didn't deserve anything.  
  
And now I've lost him before I ever really had him.  
  
I always thought that if I lost him it would be to Kari.  
  
That would make sense, wouldn't it?  
  
Wasn't he chasing her?  
  
That wouldn't be as bad, either.  
  
At least that way, I would have never had a chance.  
  
If I lost him to a girl, he would have never even really looked at me. At least, not in the way I wanted.  
  
But to lose him to Takeru...well...  
  
That means I had some form of a chance and I blew it.  
  
I saw them together today.  
  
Daisuke had his arm thrown around TK's shoulders. TK, for his part, had an arm around Daisuke's waist. They were smiling at each other, ignoring the ugly glares and stares from the nearby yokels.  
  
Then Daisuke saw me and waved. TK looked up and smiled. They both came over and Daisuke said.  
  
"Hey, Ken. You know TK...wait, of course you do."  
  
Of course I do you sweet, hard-headed, nitwit. He's the chosen child of Hope (what a laugh!) and the guy who stole you from me. I know him all too well.  
  
You're both so obviously happy. And I don't begrudge you that happiness, we need all we can get these days, but...but...  
  
Why can't I be happy, too?  
  
Why isn't there anyone for me?  
  
That's why it's 11:50 pm and I'm standing in the bathroom with my razor blade again. The door's locked, everyone's asleep, no one's thinking of looking for me. You'd almost think I'd done this before.  
  
Well, I have. I did. But I'd stopped. I thought that I would find my salvation with you, Daisuke. I really did. But now...  
  
Back of the left arm, where they'll be covered by my sleeve.  
  
One slice. What I've done.  
  
Two slices. What I didn't do.  
  
Three slices. The chances I missed.  
  
Back of the arm. Always the back of the arm. And not too deep. I just want to get some relief. I don't really want to die.  
  
Do I?  
  
Inside of the wrist. The pulse is so close to the air, there.  
  
I could...  
  
I could...  
  
It would be easy. Just a slice along the vein, and hold it in the water so it doesn't close.  
  
Free my blood.  
  
Free ME.  
  
I wouldn't hurt anymore, would I?  
  
Daisuke obviously doesn't need me, and I thought he was the only person who did.  
  
And he doesn't need me screwing up his happiness.  
  
And I will. I always do.  
  
I won't be able to keep it in forever. I'm going to slip, and he'll know. And it'll hurt him. Probably Takeru, too.  
  
I lightly touch the blade to the inside of my wrist, right over where a vein pulses blue under my skin. I never really realised how thin the skin is right there. Or how pale. It's almost like an onion skin. I push down ever so slightly. The cold and the slight pain and pressure raise goosebumps along the back of my arm.  
  
Just a little harder, Ken...  
  
Push down...  
  
The slightest drop of blood works itself free from my vein and starts a trip down my wrist. I watch it, enthralled.  
  
Then it makes it to the inside of my elbow, followed by another, and another, and...  
  
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?  
  
That would be a great ending. What am I, some stupid character written by a bad hack? Such a cliched ending, too. The loveless little gay boy puts himself out of his misery. Boo hoo. Typical.  
  
And I'm supposed to have the crest of Kindness. What kind of Kindness is this?  
  
I'd really hurt my parents, for one thing. They've already lost one son, and they just got me back. What would this do to them?  
  
And Minomon. Poor Minomon. I already got him killed once. What would this do? I can't see him doing that well. I fell apart, and Digimon are reborn. People aren't.  
  
Fine then. If I have to live a story, I'll live a fairy tale. The Little Mermaid. I'll walk on feet that cut me with each step, and I'll smile. And I'll step aside so my love can be happy.  
  
That works.  
  
And there's probably someone out there for me. Hell, it might even be Daisuke. This thing with Takeru might not last. Or maybe it will.  
  
If it doesn't last, I'll be waiting for him. I'll dry his tears like he dried mine, and I'll tell him everything that he means to me. And maybe it will be good.  
  
And if it does, if he's found true love with Takeru, then I'll try to be happy for him. I'll smile. I won't hurt them.  
  
That's the nature of Kindness, right?  
  
*****  
  
Okay, now the contest mentioned in the subject line. (I did remember to mention it, right? Gods, I'm lazy tonight.) The contest goes like this.  
  
Any form of fic, preferably Yaoi or Yuri, but I'll really accept anything (I tend to have a strange allergic reaction to Taira's and Mimato's, but if you're reading this, you likely wouldn't write me one of those) with ONE little snag. It must include AT LEAST TWO lines from each of the following lists  
  
1: SMART LIST  
  
"There is no such thing as a one-sided coin. Everything is defined by its opposing force. That's why I left."  
  
"They had this fierce love, they wanted to BE each other. And only when you love someone that much can you hate them, too."  
  
"His eyes were like loss, like cold fire"  
  
"No one's creepy on the inside. Some people are lost, and some are hurting, and some are afraid. But none of them are creepy."  
  
"But he should have learned by now that when you have too much faith in something, it is bound to hurt you. Too much faith in anything will suck you dry."  
  
"He might love me, but it's a bitter, diffused love. His soul is too shattered."  
  
"How strange that he has so much power and he can't even wake himself."  
  
2: STUPID LIST  
  
"They have monkeys, and little monkeys, and, OOH! Froot Loops birds!"  
  
"We'll die, but at least we'll have minty-fresh breath."  
  
"Rocks and bees don't mix"  
  
"You're the smartest person here. And that thought makes me so depressed that I think I'm going to go and cry."  
  
"Am I the only one who distrusts plans that contain the words 'Badda-bing, badda-boom?'"  
  
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single generous donation."  
  
"No, Patamon, setting people on fire is wrong. Hee hee, you're silly, Patamon."  
  
Now, there are a few alterations you can make to these lines. You can switch any genders you feel you need to, and you can change any proper names. But that's it.  
  
I will write one shoujo ai/shonen ai fic for the winner, plus an extra one for each line over the necessary 4 they manage to fit in well. Within reason (if you work them all in, I love you to death, but I can't write that much, hon.)  
  
Put "For El Juno's Random Fic Contest" in the subject line.  
  
Happy writing! 


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